Different Forms: 12.2.18

Yesterday, from about eleven in the morning until about 5 in the evening, I had the opportunity to shoot alongside professional photographers for Getty Images at the Bears @ Giants game in Rutherford, NJ.

Elsa Garrison, a sports photographer whose been shooting athletics since I was born, was kind enough to allow me to serve as a runner for the day. Through that, I got to learn from some of the best in the field.

Al Bello, another photographer who’d been shooting since 1993, was also present and I got the chance to hear about some of his assignments in Puerto Rico and abroad. He even taught me a bit about photography.

For years prior, I recall praying for examples to follow. I remember lusting after images of Idris Elba and Brad Pitt (please don’t judge me, I was young) hoping to walk with similar stature. But it wasn’t until I realized that image is great, but substance is even better. After that, some of the examples I’d been praying for began coming to me in fleets.

A few months ago, one of my professors and head of the journalism department at Rutgers University, Robin Gaby Fisher, referred me to be a Teaching Assistant for a program hosted by National Geographic and Newest Americans. Through that, I got to shadow professionals like Ed Kashi and Matt Moyer and teach high schoolers about the philosophy and methodology of photography.

My mother always says that nothing solidifies anything in the mind like talking about it and you don’t really know something until you can teach it. The opportunity to work with professionals from National Geographic, Newest Americans and Getty Images has provided me with all of those things as well as individuals rich with experience in the fields of journalism and photography.

I always wondered if there was really a God but recently, the thing’s that I’d prayed for in my past are being granted right now. But it’s possibly that those same things have been right in front of me all along. Just in different forms.

Jan. 12, 2018

I’m in dept, tired as fuck all the time, and I dont think im as healthy as I was at the beginning of 2017. This is well overdue (being that its about to be 13 days into 2018) but on New Years Eve, I struggled to reflect on my year. All I know is that I learned to always be myself, in any and every situation. I learned that life never stops challenging you and that no one should receive your energy unless you want them to. 

I’m still trying to find my place in the world. Still trying to find where I belong and who I belong to and how to belong. A lot has bloomed this year. A lot has changed. A lot has shifted. 

Visuals and art have always intrigued me, and I’ve flirted with the idea of perusing a career in writing (which is an art form). Last year, I really had to be conscious of the conversations I had with myself and the dialogue I entertained and personalized. It’s east to “unknow “yourself when you dont have a solid grip on who you are in the first place. In 2017, I found myself walking into a lot of rooms and instantly losing myself. I’d hear things like “you’d make a great creative director,” or “you’re definitely a creative” and find myself lost in those words before I even knew that. I’m still not even sure if that’s who I am. But if all else fails, I’ll know what isn’t for me. I’m 21 and still finding myself and I think that’s okay. 

My mother always says, “Be careful the conversations you have with yourself.” This is something that has lingered in my mind throughout 2017. Be careful what you entertain, be careful what you let resonate because no one know’s you better than you.  

I’ve been meaning to make a list of my strengths and weaknesses, just as a way to get back in touch with myself so maybe i’ll do that here. 

Strengths:

I’ve always been very passionate and compassionate. I’m very good at helping people reflect on things and prompting them to answer questions that force them to look deeper within themselves. I’m a great leader and very self aware and aware of my surroundings. I’m good at connecting with people I’m genuinely interested in. I’m very socially aware and I always urge others to be. I’ve always been a very good writer. Always aware of time.

Weaknesses:

I consider myself a terrible speaker. For some reason I cant talk about things and formulate them into words through verbiage. I’m very unorganized. I’m terrible at managing my time. I’m easily distracted. I give people too much information when I talk. I find it hard to focus at times. Sometimes I don’t give my all. I’m really hard on myself. It’s very hard for me to prioritize because I think everything is really important. I neglect myself and others when I’m emotionally unstable. 

These are things I hope to fix and build on in 2018. These are things I wish to harness. I want to be able to have friends, and not think too deeply about how long they’ll remain my friend, or if they even wish to be my friend. I want to just be. In 2018, I want to be able to cherish moments with those I love. I want to be able to allow myself to love. 

Today, January 12, 2017, was surreal in a lot of different ways. I woke up about 10am (the earliest I’ve awakened all week) made breakfast (barely got to eat it)  and ran out of the house to meet a friend to film for the video i’m preparing for my portfolio for when I go to Film School. Andrew or Brain Orchestra and Naja were really inspiring to me because they truly enveloped themselves in the music world. They understood the craft and where it manifested itself. It made me want to dig deeper into film or photography and read more books by authors I admired. 

I ended the day taking a few of the photos I have posted above and feeling a bit out of my element but still keeping my head and allowing myself to enjoy the energy. At the end of it all, people really are JUST people. 

This may all seem a bit convoluted to you, but  2018 is dedicated to challenging myself daily. If I can start somewhere, and start small, and build on something each day. If I can find my function and dedicate myself to it. The rest of my life should be a blast. Even if it’s hard.

Nine Days

On January 20, only nine short days from today, President-Elect Donald Trump will officially assume his position as President of the United States of America. This is a reality I mourn. Not only because I believe Donald Trump to be incompetent and unqualified, but because it means that President Obama and his family will officially be leaving the White House. Unfortunately. 

– 

Growing up without a strong male presence in my life, has led me to look to the world for my identity as a male. I know gender is in a sense a social construct, and only has as much power over you as you allow it to, but honing in on a strong gender identity is important in development. With that as my reality, I looked to individuals like, Pharrell Williams, John Legend and Idris Elba for my inspiration. I know nothing will ever make up for what my dad didn’t give me, but it cant hurt to take some of the qualities that I admire in others and immolate that. I’m not sure if its somehow a positive or negative thing, but its something I was sort of forced to do. 

I believe that gender identification is so important to satisfy in the hierarchy of need in order to focus on more pressing matters. Amongst many, President Barack Obama was and still is someone I look up to tremendously because he is someone I believe to be a strong male figure. Although I didn’t agree with some of the policies he proposed and/or implemented, he’s always been someone I keep in mind when I do or approach things. He’s always been someone I’ve tried to immolate. Jesus Christ is sort of cardinal in that– No brainer– but Obama is someone who exudes strength with elegance and class. 

People always say “What has he done for the black community?” Well, I think it’s valid enough to say that his title as the First BLACK President is more than enough; amongst many other accomplishments. For decades, there hasn’t been enough fair representation in media, of strong black figures and I think its so important that we see ourselves depicted in a positive light. Not just as the sidekick, or supporting actor or even the villain. We see in movies and television shows, how the protagonist is always some white guy with a strong jaw and beautiful hair, i.e. Superman, Batman, Iron Man, but there’s never any strong characters that exude black excellence in a positive light. 

I believe the subconscious to be something so fragile, and so easily penetrated the most subtitle undercurrent of information. I learned, in social psychology, that there are two types of racism; old fashioned, and modern. Old fashioned is more abrupt and direct, i.e. explicit racism. Modern racism is more of a dog whistle exchange. Modern Racism is definitely something I believe to be more inherently dangerous because it’s not something that is completely consciously done, nor consciously assumed. In order to solve a problem, we must first be able to identify that there is one, and the issue with subconscious parasitic motivations like implicit or modern racism, is that it’s so unrecognizable. Back in the 18th and 19th and even 20th century, it was so clear that racism was an issue. Though, there were some who didn’t see it that was because to directly contradicted there way of life, it was still a problem. 

I believe Barack Obama, has contributed so largely to the effect of dimming social injustice in the United States.  With a black president in office, it was a bit harder and maybe even presumptuous to suggest black people as incompetent and illiterate when you have a family like the Obamas at the forefront of the nation. I say all this to say, over that last eight years, President Barack Obama has raised the bar and set a higher standard for black men especially in the United States. He’s given hope and bloomed possibility within the hearts of ascending black youth within this country. One could definitely argue that his healthcare reform was counterproductive or maybe even ineffective, but he did lower the poverty rate in the United States by 12 per cent, implemented the International Climate change agreement and replacing NAFTA with the TTP while ending the recession in 2008. One also must take into the account the fact that the house was mainly republican in the second half of his second term as president.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. Farewell Mr. President. You’ll always be my roll model.

Happy New Year

I sit here, on the precipice of a new year, on the last day of the month of December, thinking about the events came together to create 2016 and it wasn’t easy. From start to finish, it was nothing more than testing. I’m not sure what to expect in 2017 but I know something waits. 

In the beginning of 2016, I had just finished my second year in college, and I felt empty. I’d had numerous mental, and emotional breakdowns by then; almost too many to count and it didn’t seem like it would be getting any easier. I remember sitting in Starbucks on the last day of the semester, with a really close friend of mine feeling a sense of relief, but I was also confused. I felt like a warrior, coming home from battle with PTSD, wondering “What next?” I remember feeling full, because the tenseness that the semester presented, in handing in paper after paper, sometimes sitting in class wondering “Why am I here?” We spoke about some of the challenges the semester presented. I really cant even remember the classes I took, or even some of the faces I sat next to day in and day out, and that in itself was a testament to my mental state at the time.

That winter was cold. Similar to this one. And I don’t even mean the temperature. I’d gotten involved with a few people I really shouldn’t have, something I don’t regret but the loneliness I felt in that was enough to take my focus away from what was really important. It seems like in times of great distress, we tend to count our hardships, and that’s all I’d done in 2016. As much as I’d preached self care, I’d never actually implemented it. I wasn’t gentle or patient with myself. Counting my misfortunes only added to my mental dept but for some reason I couldn’t help but do that. I cant even remember what my summer looked like. 

Transferring from the school I was at to Rutgers University made me feel more alone than I had before. I felt desperate and alone, walking to classes alone, standing in the line at Starbucks alone, studying alone, long nights– alone. Which made me uncomfortable because its my understanding that human beings all have this need for affiliation. We all have a need to belong and this semester I felt nothing but an individual. Like an outcast. I only felt like I belonged somewhere when I went to work, and even then I was just going through the motions. But I did learn a few things about myself.

I learned that I am passionate, sometimes offensive. I’ve learned that I love being around people, even if I’m not actually socially involved. There’s just something about being in a crowd, or sitting on a bench in an area that is highly populated, something spiritual. I learned that I my love for art stems deeper than I’d thought. I learned that I am hard, and sometimes intense. I learned that I am intelligent– extremely intelligent. I learned to take a break from the world for a while every now and then. I learned that I am extremely socially awkward and after a while I am drained by social interaction. I learned that I am contemplative and selfish and caring. I also learned that although some of these qualities may be a hindrance, I’ve learned to watch myself, to listen to self, to breathe and listen. I’ve learned to merely exist. 

My advice to anyone reading this and even to myself in the future. If you ever find yourself, hurt or feeling abandoned or confused, take a step back. Get connected with self, live in your thoughts for a while, and breathe. Life gets easier. We have moments of weakness, and never feel like you have to hide that in order to preserve the comfort of another. Live your truth. Love your truth. Respect the process. Come close to God. 

2017, here we come. To new beginnings, new love, maybe even a new self. To new hurt, new life, new pain and to a Happy New Year.

Call me naïve

There’s so much beauty in community. On a larger level, and even in smaller microcosms. It would be so dope, if despite all of our differences, each community could come together for the greater good; humanity. This society has taken something from us, and the method or mechanism is division. Division takes away humanity, which is the same hatred that can bring a cop, to shoot an UNARMED black person in the street and not think twice. 

Some things cannot be changed, like probably the condition of our society, and it is only with the eradication of sin that we will do so, and we all know that there is only one being who is pure enough to do so. Even in all of our “advancements” In technology, we still walk backward, because we forget our humanity. And I think it only speaks to the grander scheme of things; similar to the law of thermodynamics. The universe seeks balance. There will never be a utopian society because that is one side of the extreme. We will never come together to preserve humanity as long as there is vanity. No one will ever be strong enough to walk away from all of our advancements in search of pure happiness.

Capitalism tells us we are only worth what we produce. But capitalism is an entity that operates in direct contradiction to our existence. Everyone used to say “America was the greatest country in the world,” why? Because it thrived on imperialism? Because it walked the earth raping every single culture of its dignity only to gain a level of wealth? But what is wealth? Is it defined by what you have, or what your earn, or is it defined by the ability smile when there is no reason to? I read an article on the Brad Pitt a while back in the NY Times style magazine to which the interviewer was one Marlon James, and him and Marlon James shared a dialogue that has walked with me for about a half a year now. He said “Discussing the thin line between tragedy and comedy leads us to talking about sadness and happiness in general, which then leads Pitt to an observation: During his frequent travels around the world he has encountered many people who seem to have no cause for happiness — and yet it’s those very people, those in the most dire circumstances, who somehow manage to appear the most content. It is why, he says, people like him — people with money and time — feel so compelled to change those circumstances. Which isn’t always a good thing, and he knows it. “I’ve gone into areas of third-world countries where people have suffered the most, but those people always seem to have the biggest laugh,” he says. As a Jamaican native who has witnessed quite a few third-world missions, I tell him that sometimes our biggest laugh is directed at foreign do-gooders who really have no idea how to fix our problems.” So in that, the only countries who are great, to me, are those who live as they should; countries who thrive on community and everyone is so busy chasing the dollar, because they think it’ll make them happy, that they forget what actually matters; spirituality, emotion, strength, love, courage. Everything that makes us human, i.e. everything that makes us powerful.

Call me naïve.

Image v. Substance: The Genesis

There’s always something so, epic when looking back on the genesis of great writers, musicians, and artists. Theres a pureness in it, seeing the former image of a kid, not dressed in diamonds and pearls, but in jeans and a tshirt. It always gives me hope. It always communicates that its okay to be so focused on something, that everything else seems to be secondary; affirmation. Something about this day in our technological age, that emphasized image over substance, and we all play into it, with instagram and social media. 

It helps me to understand, why every time I wear something a little on the extravagant side, or even speak to arrogantly, I feel a wave of discomfort wash over me. In an interview with John Mayer for msnbc, a picture of him winning a Grammy was displayed on screen to aid the context of the discussion between himself and the interviewer, and it was, in a sense, so strange to see because he was wearing a plain burnt orange henley, and a pair of cargo pants and that image sparked something in my mind– a question. Why? Why, with everything he’s accomplished, was it cool to accept an award in that? But I quickly came to the conclusion that, maybe he wasn’t concerned about how he looked. Maybe he was more amazed with his work and music that he wasnt into his appearance, and then it all made sense. 

I also sat and compared that prior image with the image of him currently sitting in the chair and the stark difference between the two. One where he is immaculately dressed, and designer frames on, and an artsy twist on the classical colonial style military jacket, I flirted with the idea of affordance. Is it the case that now, he can afford to worry about aesthetics and accessory, because he is already established as an artist, or is he famous enough to pay a stylist to do that?

I couldn’t help but apply this to my life, and how backward I was approaching my journey. I was– and in a way still am– worried about the superficial nature of my being rather than working so that one day, I can do what I came here to do. Clothes and shoes, and image are fine, when you have the right to worry about them. But what is a well dressed hobo? Simply a well dressed hobo. Not sure if anyone else ever finds themselves so focused on the condition of their instagram page. J.Cole once said “don’t be sleeping on your level, cause there’s beauty in the struggle," and I can look at myself, and say "maybe I’ve been struggling with the wrong things.” John Mayer, for instance, might have already paid his dues in the bedroom of his home listening to Eric Clapton or John Cultrane, attempting to emulate them and build their own. 

So now and forever, I’ll work on substance, and not image, because what is image without substance– Gilded. 

Yours Truly,

J. Taylor