I’m in dept, tired as fuck all the time, and I dont think im as healthy as I was at the beginning of 2017. This is well overdue (being that its about to be 13 days into 2018) but on New Years Eve, I struggled to reflect on my year. All I know is that I learned to always be myself, in any and every situation. I learned that life never stops challenging you and that no one should receive your energy unless you want them to.
I’m still trying to find my place in the world. Still trying to find where I belong and who I belong to and how to belong. A lot has bloomed this year. A lot has changed. A lot has shifted.
Visuals and art have always intrigued me, and I’ve flirted with the idea of perusing a career in writing (which is an art form). Last year, I really had to be conscious of the conversations I had with myself and the dialogue I entertained and personalized. It’s east to “unknow “yourself when you dont have a solid grip on who you are in the first place. In 2017, I found myself walking into a lot of rooms and instantly losing myself. I’d hear things like “you’d make a great creative director,” or “you’re definitely a creative” and find myself lost in those words before I even knew that. I’m still not even sure if that’s who I am. But if all else fails, I’ll know what isn’t for me. I’m 21 and still finding myself and I think that’s okay.
My mother always says, “Be careful the conversations you have with yourself.” This is something that has lingered in my mind throughout 2017. Be careful what you entertain, be careful what you let resonate because no one know’s you better than you.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of my strengths and weaknesses, just as a way to get back in touch with myself so maybe i’ll do that here.
Strengths:
I’ve always been very passionate and compassionate. I’m very good at helping people reflect on things and prompting them to answer questions that force them to look deeper within themselves. I’m a great leader and very self aware and aware of my surroundings. I’m good at connecting with people I’m genuinely interested in. I’m very socially aware and I always urge others to be. I’ve always been a very good writer. Always aware of time.
Weaknesses:
I consider myself a terrible speaker. For some reason I cant talk about things and formulate them into words through verbiage. I’m very unorganized. I’m terrible at managing my time. I’m easily distracted. I give people too much information when I talk. I find it hard to focus at times. Sometimes I don’t give my all. I’m really hard on myself. It’s very hard for me to prioritize because I think everything is really important. I neglect myself and others when I’m emotionally unstable.
These are things I hope to fix and build on in 2018. These are things I wish to harness. I want to be able to have friends, and not think too deeply about how long they’ll remain my friend, or if they even wish to be my friend. I want to just be. In 2018, I want to be able to cherish moments with those I love. I want to be able to allow myself to love.
Today, January 12, 2017, was surreal in a lot of different ways. I woke up about 10am (the earliest I’ve awakened all week) made breakfast (barely got to eat it) and ran out of the house to meet a friend to film for the video i’m preparing for my portfolio for when I go to Film School. Andrew or Brain Orchestra and Naja were really inspiring to me because they truly enveloped themselves in the music world. They understood the craft and where it manifested itself. It made me want to dig deeper into film or photography and read more books by authors I admired.
I ended the day taking a few of the photos I have posted above and feeling a bit out of my element but still keeping my head and allowing myself to enjoy the energy. At the end of it all, people really are JUST people.
This may all seem a bit convoluted to you, but 2018 is dedicated to challenging myself daily. If I can start somewhere, and start small, and build on something each day. If I can find my function and dedicate myself to it. The rest of my life should be a blast. Even if it’s hard.