I sit here, on the precipice of a new year, on the last day of the month of December, thinking about the events came together to create 2016 and it wasn’t easy. From start to finish, it was nothing more than testing. I’m not sure what to expect in 2017 but I know something waits.
In the beginning of 2016, I had just finished my second year in college, and I felt empty. I’d had numerous mental, and emotional breakdowns by then; almost too many to count and it didn’t seem like it would be getting any easier. I remember sitting in Starbucks on the last day of the semester, with a really close friend of mine feeling a sense of relief, but I was also confused. I felt like a warrior, coming home from battle with PTSD, wondering “What next?” I remember feeling full, because the tenseness that the semester presented, in handing in paper after paper, sometimes sitting in class wondering “Why am I here?” We spoke about some of the challenges the semester presented. I really cant even remember the classes I took, or even some of the faces I sat next to day in and day out, and that in itself was a testament to my mental state at the time.
That winter was cold. Similar to this one. And I don’t even mean the temperature. I’d gotten involved with a few people I really shouldn’t have, something I don’t regret but the loneliness I felt in that was enough to take my focus away from what was really important. It seems like in times of great distress, we tend to count our hardships, and that’s all I’d done in 2016. As much as I’d preached self care, I’d never actually implemented it. I wasn’t gentle or patient with myself. Counting my misfortunes only added to my mental dept but for some reason I couldn’t help but do that. I cant even remember what my summer looked like.
Transferring from the school I was at to Rutgers University made me feel more alone than I had before. I felt desperate and alone, walking to classes alone, standing in the line at Starbucks alone, studying alone, long nights– alone. Which made me uncomfortable because its my understanding that human beings all have this need for affiliation. We all have a need to belong and this semester I felt nothing but an individual. Like an outcast. I only felt like I belonged somewhere when I went to work, and even then I was just going through the motions. But I did learn a few things about myself.
I learned that I am passionate, sometimes offensive. I’ve learned that I love being around people, even if I’m not actually socially involved. There’s just something about being in a crowd, or sitting on a bench in an area that is highly populated, something spiritual. I learned that I my love for art stems deeper than I’d thought. I learned that I am hard, and sometimes intense. I learned that I am intelligent– extremely intelligent. I learned to take a break from the world for a while every now and then. I learned that I am extremely socially awkward and after a while I am drained by social interaction. I learned that I am contemplative and selfish and caring. I also learned that although some of these qualities may be a hindrance, I’ve learned to watch myself, to listen to self, to breathe and listen. I’ve learned to merely exist.
My advice to anyone reading this and even to myself in the future. If you ever find yourself, hurt or feeling abandoned or confused, take a step back. Get connected with self, live in your thoughts for a while, and breathe. Life gets easier. We have moments of weakness, and never feel like you have to hide that in order to preserve the comfort of another. Live your truth. Love your truth. Respect the process. Come close to God.
2017, here we come. To new beginnings, new love, maybe even a new self. To new hurt, new life, new pain and to a Happy New Year.